I recently took a vacation and, in a moment of deranged optimism, decided to take a vacation from the internet at the same time. I left my laptop behind and vowed not to access the web, my e-mail or any other facet of the Online Experience until I was back at home. The following is a diary of that experience, primitively scratched on a variety of wood pulp surfaces using graphite.
Day 1: I'm having an astonishing day. Nobody has attempted to sell me Viagra in over 24 hours, nor have I been hit up for financial assistance by African royalty. On the train, I overheard a discussion of federal educational spending, and Hitler was not invoked even once. I think I could get used to this.
Day 2: Today went pretty well, except that at about noon I suddenly realized I didn't know all the lyrics to the theme song to The Facts of Life. I spent a few seconds casting about for my laptop before I remembered my plan. I was forced to spend the afternoon humming "There's a time you gotta go to show the crow you know the pro the slow plateau the FACTS OF LIFE!" This did not endear me to service workers and passersby.
Day 3: Woke up feeling kind of ... itchy. Felt surly and resentful about having to go to the window to see what the weather was like. Someone, somewhere, could be reenacting Ladyhawke with Lego figurines and I'd never know it. Have the folks at Digg tracked down 14 tips for optimizing your FeedBurner experience? HAVE THEY?
Day 4: Last night I dreamed about my childhood. There was a place with data codices ... books. There were people who didn't mind answering questions about which dinosaurs could beat up other dinosaurs. And all without benefit of modem or wireless card. The library! I called up the local public library. "Please," I begged. "Could you tell me whether someone has created a robot that can play Scrabble?"
"Hold on," said the kind voice on the other end. "Let me Google that."
"Never mind," I said.
Day 5: I'm so starved for information I actually read the copy of USA Today left outside my room. It was like salt water to a man on a desert island. Who made the first cartoon with a guy on a desert island, anyway? Was Cast Away nominated for any Oscars? How much would a fake Oscar statuette cost? Are they even legal? What countries have laws based on the Napoleonic Code? Does the "leon" in "Napoleon" have anything to do with lions? And how did people settle arguments before the internet? I can't imagine how many marriages must have fallen apart just because the spouses couldn't agree on whether people from Angola are called "Angolians" or "Angolese." Data! I need data!
Day 6: All your base. My base? I'm in your base, killing your dancing baby. Badger badger badger badger TUNAK TUNAK! Software pirates versus ninja looters. P2P! B2B! USB! Web 2.0 RLY? The internet is for Pong. IRC. I am C. I am C++. I am in the net. I am ... internet! Yes! I understand! I am internet! The magic was in me all along! I must get it out. I must share internet with the world. Where is the port? WHERE IS THE PORT?
Day 7: I am told that housekeeping found me banging my head against the phone jack in my hotel room, making "a sound like a garbage disposal trying to sing," which I suspect was my attempt to imitate a modem noise. I was admitted to the hospital and given sedatives and an iBook, and when I came to I was searching YouTube for "Godzilla suit." The doctors say I'll be fine given a couple of weeks and a steady diet of RSS feeds, but they caution me to never try anything like this again. I immediately ordered an emergency backup Treo. Online, of course.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an edgerunner, a decker and a street samurai.
