After emerging from my Christmas coma this morning, I found this hilarious story from amobileme that purports to show the itinerary for Steve Jobs's Jan. 9 MacWorld San Francisco keynote speech. Far from the whimsical confabulations of yesteryear, these rumors are straightforward and dull. Get this: Steve's going to talk about retail sales! And the iTV is maybe going to get a new name! Can you contain your excitement? Even more funny, the few true rumors thrown in are neither interesting nor believable. Observe:
Introduction to audience members
Sales/Stores Numbers and Results
iTunes Store: Movies are introduced in UK (Disney movies), while 20th Century
Fox movies are added to US store.
iTV discussion. Stress that iTV is still the internal code-name and it will change by launch date.
The iTV is revised and is now taller, and includes an iPod dock at the back. At the back of the iTV unit there is a small gap of about an inch that has the dock connector inside. This is to ensure the iPod is connected securely.
Browse files using iTV.
iTV will allow ANY files in iTunes to play on your TV.
Leopard: Explanation of features that were released in the seeds (Such as Resolution Independence and iChat Answering Machine).
Introduces new Black Cherry theme to replace Aqua. Discussion and Video.
Announces Both iTV and Leopard will be launched on Tuesday March 27th.
New Displays announced: HDMI and iSight built in. 17″ is introduced. Jobs then announces that price is not compromised, even with the added iSight and HDMI. All displays are $75 more than previous generation.
Steve’s One More Thing…
New iPod is released. 3.5 Inch screen, Bluetooth. NOT a touch-screen. Controlled through invisible “touchstrip” on the top side of the iPod that corresponds to symbols that appear on the upper portion of the iPod screen. 30GB $300, 80GB $400
THERE IS NO “IPHONE” at this event.
HJ
Check it out, brothers! Apple might introduce a totally superfluous iPod dock that wouldn't work in the tightly stacked and packed world of component home theatre! It makes perfect sense, despite the fact that the iTV can get all the same files off of any WiFi computer in the house! Why wouldn't you just grab your iPod and plug it in? Are you still wearing clean pants? Because check this out: The new displays are only $75 more expensive, and they include a totally outrageous HDMI port, which would theoretically allow you to watch HD-DVDs and Blu-Ray discs if, oh, I don't know, Apple were to introduce Macs that could read them. But it doesn't matter – you're going to be paying $75 more today!
But there's just one more thing: The new iPods will have the same storage capacity as the old iPods! Despite developing a totally new architecture, interface and screen, Apple's going to keep the innards identical. It makes perfect sense!
Oy. It makes me want to take another nap. I think I will...
"No Mentioning of the iPhone in Steve's keynote address!" [Amobileme]
Via Digg.
Image from New iPod
