When Einstein first pondered the mysteries of space-time, he presumably wasn’t trying to figure out how to quickly cram hundreds of cranky travelers into a 737. But the math that scientists use to explain the master’s theory of relativity actually does help. A team of Israeli researchers, armed with Lorentzian geometry, has reached the same conclusion as many others: The standard back-to-front boarding procedure sucks. Now airlines are using modeling apps to design fancy new methods, like US Airways’ exotic “reverse pyramid.” We asked the software’s creator, Arizona State University operations research specialist Menkes van den Briel, to turn it to the dark side and generate a few ways to game the latest systems. One caveat: Only fascist gate agents can head off jerks with oversize carry-ons.
– Thomas Hayden
Method: Reverse pyramid
Airline: US Airways
Where it fails: It’s pretty tricky and requires smart, calm gate agents. Yeah, uh, good luck with that.
Beat the crowd: Traveling alone? Book a window seat. Couples ask for window-middle combos to board at nearly the same time and score overhead bin space.
Method: Window/middle/aisle
Airline: United
Where it fails: Upsets clingy couples and families. When middle-seaters board late, it roadblocks the aisle group.
Beat the crowd: Window seats rule. Board first for overhead storage; better to climb over others to get to the bathroom than have others climb over you.
Method: Free boarding
Airline: Alaska Airlines
Where it fails: Trades the frustration of the departure lounge for onboard chaos. Just one dawdler can gum up the whole process.
Beat the crowd: Line up extremely early for overhead space, or travel light and board at the last minute.
Method: Group unassigned
Airline: Southwest
Where it fails: Too much freedom – has kind of a weird hippie vibe. Also: Group C?! Do you know who I am?
Beat the crowd: Check in early online to score the coveted group A assignment – or pay BoardFirst.com $5 to do it for you.
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Choose Your Own Adventure Returns
Now Boarding, Fast
