David Cross gets an exclusive first look at the hottest, newest, unbelievablest XCubeStation titles ever.
When people hear my name, they usually think of my humanitarian work first and my videogame prowess second. Actually, the videogame thing might come third, just after my status as one of the last remaining Titanic survivors (the movie, not the actual ship). But recently, Wired did a little digging into my past. Did you know that I was the Robotron champion of Alpharetta, Georgia, from 1980 to 1981? I certainly didn't. Before I could swallow that tidbit of info, an editor at Wired sent me a ticket to the Generic Game Expo. My mission: Find the "hottest and newest" games (her words, not mine).
I arrived at the show a nervous bundle of raw excitement and wonder. I wandered around the convention center trying my best to fit in. But as I am not Asian and have an outgoing personality and good skin, I'm afraid it was hopeless. Word got around that the Robotron champ was in the house, and a stream of looky-loos and heary-hoos came out for a piece of me. I waded through the fans, took a deep breath, and hit the floor. It was massive and intimidating, but I found some of the hottest and newest games I've ever laid my eyes on.
Are you in the market for a hot new videogame? Then preorder Hipster Bash, a massively multiplayer online role-playing game that lets you team up - online, in your apartment - with other lonely hipsters across the country. Armed with a magical sneer and a bottle of absinthe, you journey from Los Angeles' Silverlake district to Williamsburg, in Brooklyn, stopping briefly in Chicago's Wicker Park neighborhood. Along the way, you battle other hipster clans � la The Warriors and collect as many Hater pills as possible. Special cheats hidden under your longboard include faux hawks that quickly turn into regular mussed-up hair, the ability to secrete noxious oils from your unwashed skin, and the Hipper-Than-Thou Ray, which blasts opponents with obscure musical references and condescension until they're reduced to a quivering mass of egoless flesh. The group that arrives in Brooklyn with the most disaffected mannerisms wins. Extra feature: Trade in your heroin addiction for cash from your parents!
In Ann Coulter Stop the Presses 2004, you're the conservative pundit's editor at Megacorp Publishing. The game begins as Coulter turns in her book manuscript, Let's Necklace Dissent, which is due to the printer in less than a month. One problem: It's full of lies. You must sift through the entire thing and figure out which two pieces of information are actually true. There is a ticking clock in the screen's corner and a Morality Bar you have to keep out of the red or your career is over. This game is interesting simply because it can't be won.
Here's a neat game ballyhooed as the one to beat this year. The literature touts Dreidel as "capturing the adventure and delight of dreidel for Jews and gentiles alike. Muslims, stay away. This isn't for you." Oy vey!
One supersecret game that's been on everyone's hot and new list is Extreme Special Olympics, by the folks at EA Sports. This one's self-explanatory. You control one of four athletes, each with a distinct personality and skill set. My favorites: Daphne, who believes she can fly (she can't, and this comes into play later in the game), and Mickey, who has a mild form of autism and the ability to avoid hugs.
Another hot new game for 2004 is Maximum Gamer for the PC. In this role-playing game, you are Todd Kellman, a world-class cyberathlete from the US. (Japanese and European versions are pending.) Gamers experience all the thrills of sitting in front of a computer screen as Kellman sits in front of his computer screen controlling the destiny of a fully rendered, computer-generated nerd sitting in front of a computer screen. This one was really popular, attracting crowds of attendees waiting for a chance to play. Or to watch somebody play. Or to watch somebody watch somebody play.
A game that's being considered both hot and new by experts is Tom Clancy's Junior Miss. In this exciting first-person shooter you are Savannah Montgomery, an 8-year-old Mississippi girl who has been registered by her mother in the Southern Regional of the Little Miss Jr. Miss Pageant at Ole Miss. Armed with a vast array of weapons and accessories, you ensure victory by killing off the other contestants without getting caught. It's so lifelike you'll swear you really are an 8-year-old girl in a beauty pageant! The best feature: You can switch back and forth between the mother character, who is equipped with a special Shriek Ray, and the daughter character, who can control wind by batting her heavily made-up eyelashes.
Shockingly Extreme Thong Volleyball! had all the guys going, "Whoa, dude! I can't wait to masturbate to this!" In this mature title from the people who brought you Full Tilt Naked Billiards and Awesomely Awesome Topless Monopoly, you control a scantily clad beach volleyball player who has access to several different weapons that pop up throughout the game. What are they for? Good question! Grab one, though, and you lose a piece of clothing! (What was the question?) Make it to the end and you get to watch a full-on naked knife fight with rocket-propelled grenades and sabers. Nudity! And knifing!
Also in the hot and new department, The Adventures of Doodles and Queef. It's basically your standard scrolling game where you battle monsters, find hidden secrets, and free the princess. But what sets it apart are the graphics, which are absolutely stunning. This Toy Story meets Dr. T & the Women title lets you control Doodles, an anthropomorphic hamster from the fourth dimension, or his little pal Queef, a digitally rendered vaginal fart. It's rated EM - suitable for Everyone Who Is Mature.
