Considering a career in crime that could end you up in a British jail? Now you can prepare yourself in advance by learning everything from convict slang to which lockup serves the best food, thanks to a new Web site run by the thoughtful folks at Her Majesty's Prison Service.
"I hope you will find the information you require on these pages and learn that there is much more to prison life than simply 'doing time,'" earnestly offers Martin Narey, director general of the prison service, on the site's homepage.
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People facing life sentences have their own FAQ. It supplies useful tidbits such as which of 60 possible prisons you're most likely to serve your time in, depending on your gender and propensity for violence. Also available are morale-boosting news updates, such as a rundown of the service's latest efforts to cut down on prisoner suicides.
For those new to prison lingo, an extensive glossary of institutional jargon and inmate slang terms is posted.
After all, if someone tells you you'll have to give a baron your burns while doing your bird, you'll want to know that means you'll be expected to give the prison bully cigarettes while you are serving your sentence. Sweet tooth or not, you want a jam roll, a k a parole. If you get out without one, you might be declared UAL -- unlawfully at large.
Accidental visitors to the site could be forgiven for thinking it was run by some smooth New Age company, with its soothing aqua and vermilion colors and its section of Corporate Information that lists staff goals like "value and support each other's contribution."
The site is aimed mainly at prisoners' families, the media, and researchers, says spokeswoman Sue Daniels. That's apparently a sizable community: The site has attracted over 17,000 hits since its late-May launch.
Some of Britain's 65,000 prisoners do have supervised Internet access in classes, says Daniels. "But for obvious security reasons this is very limited."
Regular visitors can personalize the news page and get regular email updates, though much of what they get may not exactly be objective reporting. To wit: "The Prison Service today announced provisional performance figures which showed that it had maintained its impressive record on security."
Still, there's plenty of strange and obscure trivia to pique surfers' interest. Who knew, for instance, that the prison service supplies 60 percent of English football teams with their goal nets? Or that prison farms produce 20 million pints of milk every year? Or that Britain spends nearly £24,000 (over US$38,000) per year on each prisoner, but only about £1.42 ($2.27) per prisoner, per day, on food?
"The site is still very much under development and, we think, has the capacity to expand over the months ahead," says Daniels.
Coming soon: a section giving directions to and visiting hours for each of England's and Wales' 135 prisons, complete with pictures -- a view much better appreciated from the outside, to be sure.
