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Note to Texans: Quit reading and get busy. You're running out of time. On the agenda for Texas state legislators this year are laws that would criminalize consensual sex between teenagers, drop the permissible decibel level for a gathering of teens in a residential neighborhood to 55 decibels, forbid bartenders from serving more than two drinks an hour to even a sober adult, and prohibit "simulated intercourse."
A new year means new legislative sessions in statehouses across the country, and as of yet, we have found no way to prevent the arrival of the new year. And so the calendar turns, and the people's representatives begin filing in, abuzz with brave new ideas. It's a shame, too, since so many state capitols are really kind of peaceful and pretty when they aren't full of grandiloquent nincompoops. There's a lot of marble hallways and porticos, for instance.
Incidentally, for all the wishful thinking about the varsity team in the District of Columbia putting all this talk of sex behind them and getting back down to the people's business, the prevailing attitude among the kids on the JV (from where the varsity players tend to come, of course) is that sex is the nation's business -- teen, simulated, or otherwise.
Need more proof? In addition to their simulation-destimulation, Texas lawmakers also aim to close a loophole this year with a proposed law that would forbid prostitution "for a benefit." Current law merely forbids prostitution "for a fee." Around-the-world for warm regards to your mother, permission to borrow my old leather recliner for a couple weeks, and three vaguely racist knock-knock jokes? No longer.
But sex and its related vices of drink and loud (or so-called party) talk aren't the only immoral acts of grave public concern. There is also, of course, the well-established social threat of Negro music. Texas lawmakers previously tried to put a stop to all this gansta rap business with a law that would have withdrawn state investment funds from record companies that release albums with dirty lyrics.
You could almost feel the entertainment industry trembling. Alas, that one was struck down as unconstitutional, judicial code for "Oh, please." Strangely unreported in the state's newspapers is the plan, led by the Republican caucus in the state Senate, to chant, "Knock that goddamn windmill on its ass" during legislative debate.
Departing from the problem of sex to tackle the problem of why-don't-we-ever-have-sex-anymore, this year's Texas legislature aims to create a new law requiring its constituents to wait at least six months for a divorce to become final. Of course, California already has just such a waiting period on the books -- trust us, we know. And of course, this explains why divorce is so rare in California.
There's a reason why legislators get away with this kind of one-celled, we-reproduce-asexually behavior; you may even have a few of the species on your block. Responding to the current flurry of proposed government interference in the private lives of individuals, staunch Texas conservatives said that it all sounded pretty cool to them.
"I'm not a libertarian," the president of the Texas Eagle Forum told the Dallas Morning News, "so I don't mind laws if they're going to strengthen families." The lowercase "l" in "libertarian" makes that a fascinatingly honest sentence, you'll notice.
The director of the amusingly named Texas Civil Rights Project, on the other hand, went ahead and said the obvious, decrying the influence of "strong fundamentalist right-wing influences" in his state. "One of the reasons we're seeing these things," Jim Harrington told the Morning News, "is that it's easier to campaign on these simplistic notions than come up with real solutions." Isn't that the state motto?
"Why not do something productive other than standing on high and making some proclamation?" Harrington added. "What are you going to do -- put everyone in jail?" Texas legislators responded with a faraway look in their eyes as they scratched thoughtfully at their chins.
But not unusually, Texans have some stiff competition for the title of Silliest Legislature. In California, former Governor Pete Wilson signed a modest 1,081 bills into law in time for the new year -- far short of the 1,386 he signed back in '92 but still giving it the old college try -- before heading off to plan his bid for president as a limited-government fiscal conservative. No doubt the governor carefully studied each of those laws before ushering them onto the books.
Thanks to Wilson and the lawmakers who sent the bills on for his John Hancock, relieved Californians may now throw used batteries in the trash without facing prosecution. And you can stop worrying about spam; spammers are now required to stop emailing you if you say so. (Good thing all those spammers live in California!) Another new law requires spammers to label dirty spam -- ah, sex again -- as "ADV:ADLT" (for adult advertisement) in the subject line. The author of the law, Senator Debra Bowen, helpfully explained to reporters that the label would give email users "who aren't technologically savvy" a chance to delete sex-themed messages without downloading them. Hey, how about a law permitting California residents who aren't politically savvy to delete stupid laws without being subjected to them?
Best of all, though, children in the Golden State can begin to rest easy while daddy is busy slashing mommy to death with that really big kitchen knife. State law now places new restrictions on judges considering custody requests. If one parent is convicted of murdering another parent, a judge can no longer grant custody of their children to the murderer -- unless he first gives a written explanation of his decision. But the fight continues: Look for a new law next year requiring that those custody decisions be issued on a good clean piece of paper.
"Also in California," reports the Associated Press, "the highway patrol will be allowed to stop truckers who haul kitchen grease to make sure they really own the goop. Apparently there's a market for the stuff, and it gets stolen regularly."
So let's see. You're a CHP officer, patrolling a Los Angeles freeway. You pull over a truck that's full of kitchen grease. The driver shows copies of contracts with several restaurants that sell their grease to him. But he also has some stolen grease on board. How do you differentiate between the stolen grease and the purchased grease? The answer, we fear, is practice, practice, practice.
But the fantasyland legislature also took a few baby steps into the cold light of reality, repealing outdated laws that, unlike the prohibition on tossing batteries, used to mean something. Now that World War II is over -- and kudos to state lawmakers for noticing -- Californians no longer face imprisonment for buying, selling, or forging ration checks. The repeal, Senator Quentin Kopp told the AP, was intended to "eliminate excess verbiage to offset all the excess verbiage the Legislature adds each year."
Ah, the Esalen Legislature: "Hey, man, I'm cool with my own hang-ups, dig?" As long as you can admit it, guys, you just go on ahead and keep following your bliss.
And it goes on. "In Florida," we learn from the AP, "couples who don't agree to four hours of marriage-preparation counseling will have to wait three days to tie the knot and pay US$88.50 for a marriage license instead of $56.... Massachusetts residents will certainly know something's changed in 1999, when 'Say Hello to Someone in Massachusetts' becomes the official state polka.... [A new] Florida measure ... requires pet ferrets that bit someone to be quarantined and tested for rabies instead of being automatically destroyed."
It's a better world already.
Curiously enough, though, one state legislature seems to have learned and grown during its last session. In 1997, New York lawmakers passed legislation giving cats the same standing under law as dogs, horses, and cows; penalties for hit-and-run incidents involving pretty kitties soared 400 percent.
On the other hand, in 1998 the New York legislature lowered the tax on beer. So at least all those unrestrained kitchen grease thieves and sex simulators will be able to afford a drink, at least, after they swarm into the state and start taking advantage of the system.
