Are we having fun yet?
__ Hail and well met! My name is Agamar, born of Moonglow, and the following are the journals of my adventures in the lands known as "Britannia." Or maybe "Sosaria." Or something - in truth, the two names are oft used interchangeably. My intent in writing was to record for all time my grand deeds of heroism, to tell of dragons slain, demons vanquished, and maidens rescued. For a variety of reasons, however, it didn't work out that way. My pseudo-Shakespeare, by the way, is actually a form of English known as "Britannian." Speaking in it is the best way to separate yourself from the myriad "kewld00dz" who are the object of universal scorn among the UO cognoscenti. But it's hard to maintain on your own.
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__ Mine first day in britannia __
Despite many warnings and trepidations, I didst purchase this Ultima Online, intending to set forth and explore the world for mineself. Mine first character was an alchemist with some passing sword skill, and I didst set him in the Lycaeum, amongst the scholars. His first task was to brew some potions, but he had no mortar and pestle.
I ventured forth into the city of Moonglow. The city was nearly empty, which was fine by me. Later, I didst find an herbalist, and didst buy from him a mortar and pestle. But when I opened my pack to begin mixing potions, I found TWO of them. Had one been in my pack all along? Why hadn't I seen it? Whatever ...
Soon, mine efforts paid off, and a black potion was mine.
Having found someone selling potions earlier, I thought to add to his stock and enrich mine own pockets. But he wasn't buying. Clearly, a career in alchemy was out of the question. And I had no cash to buy weapons with which to kill animals, and no other skills of note.
Farewell, Magion, would-be alchemist ... Hello, Agamar, would-be warrior.
I decided to start again in Moonglow, since I'd gained some familiarity with the town. This time, I bought a weapon, a cutlass, and dared forth into the wilderness in search of some vicious bunny or deadly gopher upon which to ply my skills. In time I found ... A GOAT! A glorious battle it was, nearly a quarter of my strength sapped - but its ribs were mine! Then, oh glory of glories, a CHICKEN! Soon, I had feathers and ribs. A hero was I! I found a butcher and quickly sold the ribs for a lofty four gold pieces each.
Two hours of play, and I had killed a chicken and a goat and earned eight gold pieces.
__ Mine secondeth day __
Having had some trivial success hunting and selling meat, I decided to try that again. I ventured forth north of Moonglow proper, where I found a lot of wandering healers, but no animals. After much more searching, there were still no beasts to slay, so southward I wandered. While passing along the road, someone said, "I'm a member of some stupid guild with a goofy name" (well, not his exact words) and shot an arrow at me. He missed;
I booked, and he didn't follow.
Wandering farther south, I came upon a small building. Inside were two farmers, who ignored me - and at least a dozen rabbits. Working carefully to avoid targeting the farmer and his wife, I made short work of the cute little bunny rabbits, then worked my way back to the butcher. I sold the meat, and that, plus my leftover money, was enough to get me a leather tunic! I wish that Origin would imitate France and regulate names. I'm already tired of seeing characters named "Cornholio the Fighter" and "Famous Anus the Thief." And why can't players be taught to say, "The foul knaves didst strike me from behind!" rather than, "Those pussy wimps fucking killed me when I wasn't looking!" (an actual quote from today's game).
Also, why is it, when I go out of my way to be polite and forsoothish and otherwise role-play, I am utterly and completely ignored? Several times, I tried to get simple information like "Pardon me, but which way is the tailor?" or "Excuse me, Noble Lord, but do you know who buys hides?" and didn't even get "Smeg off, Newbie" in response. What's the point of a multiplayer game if the only interaction with other players is running from them or looting their bodies? Culture in an online society is shaped as much by the unseen people running the society as by those who inhabit it. We'll see how many more days this life of killing bunnies and selling meat keeps me amused.
__ Mine thirdeth day __
Ah, another day dawns in Moonglow. Agamar, still a neophyte warrior, continues his quest for fame, glory, and a mountain of dead bunnies.
My first quest took me north of Moonglow a bit. This time, 'twas a cow I espied. Emboldened, I lunged at the black-and-white spotted fiend, only to find that this cow had fire for blood. In mere seconds, I was gasping for breath and, discretion being the better part of valor, I withdrew from the conflict.
I healed, and again I ventured forth. This time, I happened on a man in robes fleeing a mongbat. He asked for help, and so I slew the beast. The mongbat had no treasure, but it did have ribs. The man was distraught, having just been slain and lacking even a dagger. I gave him mine, and, since he was a tailor, I also gave him those hides I could neither sell nor sew. He was quite happy, and we discussed the dungeon he had died in, and other topics. At last, someone who wasn't trying to kill me and who could talk in complete sentences! Wandering farther through the woods, I found a crossbow someone had abandoned. While the teachings of the Avatar argue that stealing is wrong, the teachings of pure survival took hold. I was well beyond the guards, no one was about looking for it, there was no body nearby ... so I snarfed it.
But selling it proved difficult. The weaponsmith could not afford it, and no player would stay still long enough for me to make a sale. I tried to role-play, tailoring my pitch to each passerby. But by the time I'd typed out "My Lord, this crossbow wouldst go so well with thy purple cloak!" the person in question would flee the screen.
The aura of fear in every town in Britannia is palpable - no one will stand still, no one will talk, everyone runs everywhere lest a second's hesitation make them a victim of some small-genitaled preadolescent armed with a lightning bolt.
Then a bit farther south. The "bunny house" was still there, and there were still bunnies in it! More slaughter occurred.
On my way back, I noticed someone in plate armor on the road. As I passed near him, he began to run toward me, so I ducked and dodged and ran right onto a strange stone platform - which placed me suddenly in the heart of Moonglow town again. My pursuer appeared as well, but, surrounded by the teleporting death squads of Lord British, he chose to flee rather than continue his probable attack on me.
Exploring some more, I found a building called "[someone's] Newbie Training Hut." Inside were two practice dummies. I took a few swings, then a man clad in red plate armor asked me if I wanted to "spar." It would have been nice to engage in some practice with another person, but frankly, I could not bring myself to trust him. I said, "Nay, I would not survive," and fled back to town.
I went north, slew some more bunnies (and a snake!), and logged off.
__ Mine fourtheth day __
My entrance into Britannia was something of a shock. Rather than the cozy inn I had fallen asleep in, I was standing in the weaponseller's shop! Further still, I had forgotten all I'd learned the day before of magic resistance! Verily, 'twas most strange ...
My pattern continued - kill bunnies, get meat, sell meat, kill more bunnies. I won't bore you too much with such mundane details, save to note that I saw far more creatures than usual - pigs, llamas, snakes, and goats fell to my blade, and it seemed I was becoming ever so slightly more skilled. We shan't discuss, however, my innumerable failures to find uses for the hides of the creatures I slew or my accursed sewing kit. A thousand naked orphans could have been clothed with the hides I have wasted. Heading back into town, I went into the armorer, only to find nothing I could afford. The group outside was planning a dungeon voyage. I quipped I was but "two bunnies" shy of the armor I wanted, and was about to go off to kill more, when one noble fellow (in deed if not in title) tossed some ribs on the ground - enough, when sold, to permit me to make my purchase. Perhaps it is true that "what goes around, comes around." Or perhaps, being decked out in the finest plate and astride a horse, he had no need for the puny gold to be had from rabbit ribs. No matter the motive, I was grateful, and soon I had leather trousers to match my tunic.
Heading south of Moonglow town, I came upon a body in the woods, still clothed, with no one nearby but a healer doing nothing - which is what healers seem to do. I examined the corpse and found it to be someone called "Pulp Fiction." While I despise looters, it seemed as if this person was not coming back, and besides, with a name like that ... The body had gold, a cape, some clothing, and a bow with many arrows. Knowing I was doing wrong (but tempted beyond resistance), I absconded with the gold and the cloak, leaving the weapons for the owner of the body to claim. I do not attempt to justify my deed - this land brings out the worst in people, it seems.
Heading northward again, I slew a llama, then a wild boar, which did put up quite a battle! Also, I found several beggars, and, feeling guilty over my corpse-robbing, gave them the rest of my gold.
__ Mine fiftheth day __
Once more, Agamar, Slayer of Bunnies, found himself in Moonglow. It being the middle of the day - a time when most adolescent player-killers are taking remedial gym - the town was relatively peaceful. As with last night, the woods abounded with furry creatures to slay, and slay them I did. There's at least one llama that will never more harass the good people of Britannia! And the threat posed by the pigs has been dealt with via swift and brutal justice. They deserved no better. Yes, I, Agamar, vow it! No pig, llama, or sheep shall prey upon the good people of Moonglow while my scimitar remains intact! The mounds of llamas, bunnies, and pigs turned into enough ribs for me to buy leather sleeves. I was now armored head to toe and went in search of greater things, and found - wolves! One beat me to half my life, but it eventually fell, and I took out its partner a few minutes later.
But that brought up a conundrum: A cow can (almost) kill Agamar. Agamar can kill a wolf with relative ease. Therefore, I assume, a cow can kill a wolf quite easily. Which leads to the image of wolf packs being hounded - er, cowed - through Britannia by packs of bloodthirsty bovines.
Back in town, I was accosted by a nonplayer character. He spoke most strangely, thus: "I collect. 'Tis an odd hobby, I know, but Bob has one. I will pay you 545 gold for it." No amount of prying could get him to tell me WHAT it was he collected! I tried repeatedly to make sense of his nonsense, but to no avail. He was not alone in his strange speech; all around me, the people of Moonglow babbled oddly.
Marveling in wonder at such passing strangeness, I retired. Soon, perhaps in a day or so, I will be ready to venture out of Moonglow! Excitement awaits - who knows what dangerous bunnies, killer sheep, and vicious pigs lie waiting for me in fabled Britain, honorable Trinsic, or wooded Yew?
__ Mine sixeth day __
Well, this was a most interesting time, indeed. The best and worst of this world, in one series of escapades.
Early this morning I was about in Moonglow, as usual. I took to the Dojo just outside of town, and spent many boring minutes whacking a dummy, to no noticeable effect on my skill. I did notice someone in the training center next door practicing with a mace. As I practiced, I saw a flash of lightning strike this person dead. He was neutral in alignment and a novice in skill, barely armed and armored - no threat at all to the three plate-mailed figures who appeared on mighty horses. But someone killed him just the same, for no reason.
Not wanting to be trapped in the small training center, I headed back to town. There I managed to engage some folk in conversation while I tried to sell some chemical reagents, and eventually we began to discuss other things - the realms, the dangers to be found there, et cetera. A young alchemist tried to sell me a healing potion she had made; I told her I would buy it but I had only five gold. She demurred to sell it to me for such, but instead chose to give it to me.
After this, I went hunting. North, there was a cow - a badly wounded cow! Remembering my earlier defeat at the hands of such a beast, I closed in, and with great skill and vigor, slew it.
I was avenged! I took a nap in the inn and awoke with a purpose: I would explore other parts of this realm. I quickly headed to the moongate. I entered, and emerged in a deep wood. A bit of wandering took me to a town, Trinsic. A most wondrous place - far larger than Moonglow, and with many shops I had never seen, such as a furrier and a tanner. At last, someone to buy my hides and furs!
After talking with a bard and a fisherman, I ventured south into the jungles, expecting a bounty of animals to slay. I saw but one panther, and it was tame. Besides that, nothing. Not a mouse, bird, or rabbit stalked those trees. But that was not the worst. When I was returning to Trinsic, I happened on two murderers. Before I could run, one paralyzed me, and the other simply hacked me to pieces. Knowing better than to reincarnate, my ghostly form went off in search of a healer.
I found one and I was reborn, naked but for a robe. I made my way back to where I was killed and found my own body. All that was left was my sewing kit. With reluctance, I helped myself to some other detritus the cowardly killers deemed beneath them, including a fishing pole and a bow. I resolved to rebuild myself.
After selling the bow and buying some clothing with the proceeds, I set about fishing. I don't think I need to tell you that my efforts were less than salutary. After much time, I didst win but one fish, and that sold for a mere one gold! This would take forever. I concocted a plan to return to Moonglow, there to find some who knew me and beg their aid. But it was not to be, for the linkage between this world and Britannia had been shattered! For hours I was unable to rejoin my avatar there. When I finally did, my joy was overwhelming, for the gods had apparently turned back time! I was intact with my possessions, as I had been shortly after entering Trinsic! Not wishing to repeat history, I retreated to the moongate and then to Moonglow. While I was grateful to have lost several hours of bad play, I'm sure thousands more were not.
__ Mine seventheth day __
Well, I would love to tell thee all of mine seventh day of adventuring, save for one problem. Apparently, it didn't exist.
I could tell thee of my traveling moongates, of seeing the jungles of Jhelom and the great trees of Yew, even beginning a humble nest egg in the bank of Britain. I could tell you of my first encounter with a bull. I could tell you of the corpse of a monstrous scorpion I happened past.
I could, but it seems none of these heroics occurred. After a few hours of adventure, my link to Britannia shattered, as if I had woken from a dream. When I finally returned, I was back at the inn at Moonglow, and nothing seemed to have happened at all! This has happened to me twice this day, and I am very angry. Why have adventures when the consequences, for good or ill, simply vanish?
__ Mine seventheth day __
redux The second half of this day wenteth much better than the first had gone. I awoke where I went to sleep - in Britain. I decided to continue my original plan, which was to journey to Yew and seek out something more exciting than a llama to slay.
Heading south from Britain, I couldn't help but notice that the woods abounded with animals - most of whom became ribs and hides. I despise wasting their fur, but no one would purchase it, no tailor could use it, and it was heavy.
Then I made my most grievous error. I saw a bear, and, having slain two in the past, chose to take this one on. Mayhap my blade was dull; mayhap my armor was torn. Whatever the cause, I died.
I chose to become a ghost and ran looking for a healer, not finding one until Britain. I had gold and some salable merchandise in the bank, so I ran southward again in the robes of the newly reborn. I circled where I thought I had died for a while, finding nothing. I happened on two others and asked if they had seen a body anywhere. One replied, to my great astonishment, that not only had he found my body, he had saved all my equipment - and then handed it back to me! I did not write down his name, which I deeply regret, but he was honorable in both title AND deed, he was a ranger, and his name sounded vaguely Japanese.
I thanked him most profusely and returned on my way. I did finally make it to Yew. I have grown used to the moongates, and can usually tell where I am in mere moments. I wandered hither and yon, putting evil llamas, killer cows, and villainous pigs to the sword. I also saw a dragon for the first time in my life! Naturally, I ran - bears I can face, but dragons? No.
I decided to explore Empath Abbey, a place I remember from a very distant time and shard, when it was I who was the avatar himself. Outside the abbey was a small building labeled "Manusco's Public Forge - Free Repairs!" Fearing my weapons and armor were getting worn, I decide to take a chance. Inside was Manusco, and, indeed, his services were free - though I paid him all the gold I had on me anyway, which wasn't much.
Outside the abbey was the dragon! Since I was in town, I feared somewhat less. But I noticed it was not attacking, and seemed it was being talked to! Next to it was a fellow on a horse, who seemed to be its master. He said he had indeed tamed it. I was surely impressed.
With all that, then, it was time to sleep - for the first time in a place other than beloved Moonglow, my home. Truly, I have traveled far in my week in these realms, for when I went to sleep, I noticed I was no longer a mere neophyte, but a novice.
__ Mine eightheth day __
Another day of frustration.
I awoke in Yew, where I had gone to bed. I had set for myself a goal, this day, of finding something other than a sheep or llama to fight. While speaking with the smith outside Empath Abbey, I learned of an orc encampment to the south. I made my way there, across the deep forests of Yew, and was impressed by the structure. It was truly alien and foreboding, and surely a place of adventure.
Except that it was empty, save for "Sir Clueless Newbie" (aye, that was his name) and a lady friend of his. Since both seemed honorable, I chanced to greet them. Since the "encampment" was long since deserted, and I had no desire to run into some "Dread Lord Beavis" type, I departed.
While wandering back to Yew, I passed a llama. I made sure it was not a pet, then made to slay it. I do not like the slaughter of harmless animals, but I do need to eat, and killing things is sadly my only skill of note. But as soon as I did drop into a fighting stance, someone screamed, "Guards! Murder!" and in but a second, I was quite literally a ghost of my former self.
Fortunately, a wandering healer was near, and I was restored to life and gathered up my equipment. I thought back to some words I had read. "If thou seekest monsters to slay, avoid the roads and the coastlines - travel as deep into the woods as thou canst." So I did. I left all sign of civilization behind and wandered for what seemed like hours through trackless woods.
Nothing.
After much more wandering, I found a foreboding fortress of granite. This had a door, a thick metal one. I entered, and the stench of death didst assail my nostrils. Shredded bodies littered the floor, and skeletons dangled in chains on the walls. Slowly, cautiously, I explored.
In the exploration, I passed two folk clad in armor running the other way. I tried to ask them what was about, but got no answer. I continued.
... and continued.
... and continued. The place radiated great terror, but there was not so much as a rat wandering these empty halls. I had read enough tales in my youth at the Lycaeum to know that lost crypts in the deep woods ought to be teeming with monsters - but there were none. I found two rooms filled with chests, but the chests were empty.
As with the orc fortress, this was a place that promised adventure, but failed to deliver. Still, I was determined to at least explore it all. I remembered a passage I hadn't investigated and headed for it, hoping to find ...
Connection lost.
After much trying, I reconnected, only to find myself right next to the abbey. Once again, an entire adventure simply NEVER HAPPENED.
I will have a hard time finding that lost crypt again, as well.
I doubt I shall bother. I would not have minded being slain by a liche in the depths of that crypt - it would have been a fitting fate for one so foolishly exploring alone. But what I do mind is the feeling of utter helplessness and frustration that is overwhelming my attempts to play this game.
__ Mine nintheth day __
Well, after nine days, I finally had the sort of adventure you're supposed to have all the time - along with the usual Ultima Online nightmares we've all come to know and loathe. I had arranged to meet a friend and voyage with him. We met outside the abbey in Yew, and promptly proceeded on our quest.
Henryk ('twas his name) and I voyaged deep into the forests of Yew. He bade me track for monsters, but, growing up in the city of Moonglow, I had little skill in the matter. By sheer luck, we stumbled on a cougar. With some effort, we slew the beast, and had cougar ribs for our lunch meal.
At this time, or so, I began to tell Henryk that I believed monsters to be myths - in nine days, I had seen no living beast more outré than a mongbat. Scarcely were the words out of my lips when an ettin appeared! We leapt to battle, and soon it fell to our swords. Henryk needed to rest from the fight, so we waited.
Then ...
Connection lost.
AUUURRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! Some half hour later, it was possible to reenter Britannia. There we both were, standing outside the abbey. Killing the ettin must have been a dream.
We set off again, figuring the ettin might be where we last found it. We paused in a clearing to check our bearings, and then a tent appeared right next to us! I thought for a moment someone might have just built it, but then hordes of orcs poured out! We tried to battle them, but we were surrounded and slain - in large part because I kept following Henryk, no matter how hard I tried not to. So we became ghosts. I watched as the orcs looted our bodies, then ran off.
Henryk returned and led me to a healer. I was restored to life, and we found our bodies mostly intact - but my coif and ringmail, the result of a week's worth of bunnyslaying, were gone.
As we pondered what to do next, we met with a scholar named Kahn whom I had seen at Moonglow, and also the ranger Hawk. Mostly reequipped, we were discussing going to seek the orcs when a monstrous troll appeared! Kahn leapt to the attack, and Henryk and I turned to aid him. The troll perished, and its small horde of gold was split twixt the three of us.
We decided to return to Yew, as I was still bare-chested, when a woman came running by. I casually identified her, only to find she was a murderess of deservedly ill repute. We tried to flee, but magic and the "slowness disease" took us. She was concentrating on Henryk, and I could have fled, but when she slew him I felt compelled to turn and strive to strike at least one blow for honor's sake. I do not know if I reached her before she slew me with a magic spell. If you see this woman, a dark-tressed witch, flee at once if thou art weak, or turn and slay her immediately if thou art strong.
There were but few of our goods she did not feel a need to abscond with ... my boots and gloves were all that remained of a week's effort to better myself. Finally, we made it to Yew. Back in the abbey, we met Khan, who took pity on our misfortune and loaned us some gold and equipment, including a magical wooden shield! I was most grateful.
Apart from the server crashes and the stupid player-killers, this is what this game SHOULD be like. Adventure! Excitement! Companionship! Role-playing! No one said "Hey, cool" or "Dude" or "Man, that sucks" or any other such drivel - all dialog, and there was much of it, was spoken in, well, the same tone as this memoir is written. Politeness, honor, and chivalry were the watchwords of the day.
__ Afterword __
I suppose some additions are in order. Whatever happened to Agamar? Did he ever see an actual monster? The truth is, Agamar retired soon after my last entry, as a new shard (server) opened up a lot nearer to me. With the lessons I learned while bashing bunnies, I was able to bring my new character up to fighting trim in a lot less time. Some of the problems I whined about have been fixed since these journals were written, but there are also plenty of new ones: the Invasion of the Spawn Destroying Santas, the Attack of the Dupers, the Suburban Sprawl of Yew, the Vendors From Hell, and so on. Ultima Online is an ever changing world - you never know what is going to go wrong next.
I'm on my third character now, which I created entirely to hang out with hardcore role-players on yet another server. This isn't to say my life has been easy - if you happen to see Arik Thornebain on the Lake Superior shard, don't mention gazers, please....
