On March 20, the much anticipated film version of Primary Colors will be released in select theaters throughout the nation (or at least LA and New York). Though nothing Hollywood creates could ever hope to compete with recent putatively actual mirror-ceilinged Oval Office shenanigans - especially with the far more eerily prognosticated Wag the Dog out there - the insulated biodome of Hollywood has been buzzing a bit about PC.
The major scuttlebutt seems to revolve around the complaint that - perhaps not so surprisingly, in this day where truth isn't just stranger than fiction, it's more trite - PC is having trouble living up to is celebrated best-selling novel by, as you may recall, "Kleinonymous."
This shouldn't really come as such a shock. Whether it's because the two worlds are so different, or so similar, Hollywood rarely gets it quite right when entering the world of Washington, DC. The results may be toothless hummers à la Rob Reiner's The American President, or wild, wacky conspiracy treacle like The Manchurian Candidate, disconcertingly accurate "comedies" like Bob Roberts, or inane fluff like Dave, but they never fail to disappoint our sky-high expectations of authentic unreality.
But Primary Colors, we once thought, THAT could be something! Though we were a bit concerned as to how the overrated roman à clef would tranform to the big screen. Specifically, we'd heard casting rumors that worried us:
Joe Pesci as Orlando Ozio, the Mario Cuomo character?
[going bananas] "I'm witty and urbane, how?!! Like I make you laugh? Like I'm a clown, I amuse you?! I'm here to fucking amuse YOU??!!! What the fuck is so witty and urbane about ME??!!!!"
... or perennially unemployed ex-Gov. Jerry Brown as, well, perennially unemployed ex-Gov. Jerry Brown:
"My karma beads are telling you to call my 800 number! And ask about my flat tax! And my yogi's been getting me to communicate with manatees, which has completely cured my prostate problems!"
... and Dirk Diggler's prosthetic attachment as the diminutive Stephanopoulos? A bit much, no?
[penis with mop-top saying:] "I'm what passes for a sex symbol in DC!"
Thankfully none of these rumors turned out to be true.
But other worries about the film project may have been fully realized. Most significantly, it seems that director Mike Nichols and the rest of the star-studded cast, intimidated by the intricacies and esoterica of political life and campaigning, have retreated to portrayals and nuances from their previous works. Not quite gifted with range greater than, say, a soaking-wet Nerf, they have forsaken accuracy for comfort.
Or have they? The influence these actors allowed to seep into their work on Primary Colors - the shading of their rich, Crayola-inspired hues - somehow painted a clearer and more vivid picture of the actual DC cads than Rich Little could ever hope to attempt.
Consider, for example, new-bachelor Billy Bob Thorton as Primary Colors' Richard Jemmons, the character tightly based on former Clinton advisor/Mr. Mary Matalin/ambling, rambling bumpkin James Carville. Does this film clip ring a bell?:
[à la Slingblade] "MmmmmmHmmmmm. It's the economy, stupid. Some people think it's foreign policy, tort reform, but I reckon it's the economy stupid, MmmmmmHmmmmmmm."
Or Shakespearean Emma Thompson as Susan Stanton (aka Hillary Clinton):
[à la Lady Macbeth, throwing a vase at her fleeing husband] "Forsooth! What is this talk radio burr stuck in my bare bodkin?! Shall I be baking cookies like an ignoble housewife wench, or might a woman pursue loftier pursuits, like overbilling and insider trading?? A tip on cattle futures, a very palpable tip!!"
John Travolta as Governor Jack Stanton (aka Bill Clinton):
[driving à la Pulp Fiction] "Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Little Rock?"
[Jesse Jackson:] "They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"
[Stanton:] "You think we got the metric system there? We ain't even got inches and feet! Naw, we call it a Cowpie with cheese."
[JJ:] "Cowpie with cheese."
Kathy Bates as Libby Holden (aka troubleshooter Betsy Wright, bimbo-eruption-plugger):
[bashing Pres. Johnson with mallet à la Misery] "You think you can just sleep with any coed, any trailer trash, with no regard for the people who have dedicated their lives to electing you?!! No way, Mister Man!! I'm not going to let your cocky-doody thing get in the way of progress for this country!!!"
Tracey Ullman as Paula Jones:
[à la Get Shorty] "Look at me."
[Tracey Ullman as Paula Jones:] "Look at you? No, look at me the way I'm looking at you. Now kiss it."
Even director Mike Nichols seems to have let his previous works overlap into his current masterpiece. Which may not be so bad, for this, after all, is the man who has brought us ...
... The Graduate:
[scene: dirty old man advising cap-and-gown-clad young Clinton] "One word, and promise me you'll think about it: Rubber."
... and Working Girl:
[Clinton:] "I have a head for politics and a bod for sin. What's wrong with that?"
...and, perhaps most fittingly, Carnal Knowledge:
[bitter old Clinton watching "Ballbusters on Parade" slide show, featuring Hillary, Reno, ...]
It'll be transfixing to see if Nichols and Travolta manage to pull America away from its MSNBC/CNN remote control pong flip. Can Travolta duplicitize and lawyer-speak more entertainingly than our own commander in chief?
[Prez angrily saying:] "I never, ever, had missionary-position sexual intercourse where the woman climaxed before me in the White House. Never, ever. Now excuse me while I go back to work for the American people!!"
Can Nichols and on-again, off-again partner, screenwriter Elaine May, create a series of events more shocking and lurid than the current state of affairs? Could Emma Thompson, with all her Shakespearean training, ever even hope to paint a portrait of a first lady as complex and enigmatic as the cold-hearted Tammy Wynette currently forcing the president to sleep on the couch? Can Billy Bob out-slime Carville? This will truly be a battle of the network stars. Save us the aisle seats. [graphic: Clinton in Saturday Night Fever-white leisure suit, Travolta in presidential pinstripes, both cavorting with wine, women, cash] --
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This article appeared originally in Suck.
