In an age in which little media reaches across demographic boundaries to bring people together - or, more importantly, generate a half-decent market share - one thing can still be counted on to bring Americans out of their lifestyle-filtered niches: death. During early morning hours when infomercials usually dominate the airwaves, a mind-boggling 50 million people, or 82 percent of households watching television, were tuned in to Princess Diana's funeral - viewing a celebrity-studded spectacle with even more star power than the MTV Video Awards. Compare that to the State of the Union Address. And though Mother Teresa's memorial won't play as well on television, Gianni Versace died a glamorous enough death that even those still flying the flannel wanted to check out what everyone was wearing.
Problem is, anyone with a camera and a cable network can broadcast a public funeral - and an 82 percent market share divided between four networks and several news channels isn't enough to attract a Bud Bowl. The answer is the F! channel, which will offer definitive coverage of famous deaths - all day and all night. Sure, reruns will attract only the faithful (or the downright weird), but when the world mourns, F! becomes must-see TV in a way NBC execs can only dream of. In much the same way that MTV branched out from videos into other aspects of the music scene, F! will offer original programming as well. F! Unplugged will feature the exploits of Dr. Kevorkian, and Mourning Becomes Eclectic will give viewers a glimpse of "alternative" burials around the globe.
Since most of F!'s programming will consist of filmed public events, costs will be low. The most significant startup expense will be a publicity campaign aimed at convincing local cable companies to carry F!, though this outlay may be mitigated by a possible partnership with GSPAN. The steady stream of celebrity death should ensure plenty of free promotion - elaborate outside advertising isn't necessary when the passing of even culturally marginal figures receives extensive what-does-it-all-mean metareporting in the nation's newsweeklies. Rather, the channel will produce effective but inexpensive posters that feature catchy slogans like "Imagine living in a non-funeral country," "Tragedy from 9 to 5, eulogies from 8 to 11," and "You could have talked to your wife any time."
This article appeared originally in Suck.
