Net Surf

Net Surf

Surf, Shop, Live Long and Prosper

It's a nasty, nasty combination: couch-potato slump, hypnotic screen glare, credit card, trigger finger, and the ability to shop on the Internet. Once you've dragged virtual products into a shiny shopping basket icon, you'll never go back to an analog mall again. Sure, shopping on the Net usually amounts to the Mall of America in 2-D, sans gooey-cookie pit stops and Styx muzak. Any attempt at conscientious economic flow - say, returning your hard-earned cash to your local community - is rendered phantasmagorical by the geographically equalizing powers of cyberspace. But, hey, let's not throw out The Body Shop with the bubble bath. Surf beyond Tower Records and Pizza Hut, and you'll find a legion of vendors whose products are made in small batches, can be next to impossible to find in meatspace, and - get this - may even help you live longer. We're talking organic goodies, shoppers, and they're sprouting on a Web page near you.

It's one thing to set up glossy product head shots and an order form on a homepage and another to deliver the goods in a fashion that flows fluidly through digital and analog worlds. Frances and Nigel Walker of Eatwell Farm (www.eatwell.com/) have closed this virtual loop. You visit their Web site and sign up for a weekly dose of fresh organic produce grown on the Walkers' farm in Winters, California.Eatwell Farm updates you on farm conditions and events, seasonal crops, and recipes. Then, one day each week, you pick up your basket of pesticide-free treats - sun-dried tomatoes, sweet potatoes, et cetera - at a neighborhood drop-off, check the Web site for culinary tips, return your empty basket, and pick up a full one. You not only get the benefits of food grown without chemicals, you also support a noncorporate organization whose business is partly sustained by the Internet.

What if you don't live anywhere near Old McDonald but you still want clean beans and unspoiled oils? Check out Planet Organic (www.planetorganic.com/) to order a stockpile of sundries shipped to your doorstep. There's also Barlean's Organic Oils (www.barleans.com/) for flaxseed and oils rich in omega-3, or Heaven from Earth Inc. (www.heavenearth.com/), purveyors of organic essential oils, from lavender to palmarosa. If you want to treat your insomnia, melancholy, or hot flashes, the Cat Faeries Catalog (www.catfaeries.com/) sells catnip for humans - tea or extract. Or, you might want to stick with a more, shall we say, mammal-friendly sedative - vino (unsulfited, of course) - at 205.179.75.1/organicwineworks/.

Should you belong to the carnivore crowd, don't worry - you'll find a home on the organic Web. Yes, flesh eater, you too can find a prescription for health at The Piper Ranch (www.maine.com/lpbeef/), breeders of organic beef. These folks will set you up with cube steaks, tenderloin, or T-bone. If lamb is your thing, cruise over to Spring Creek Organic Farm (rand.nidlink.com/%7Ekarl/sheep/lambsale.html).

Just because the Net is big and bold and boundless doesn't mean you have to blindly feed your cash into the cyberian wasteland. Next time you're popping a wheelie with that virtual shopping cart, consider whether those green bits and credit bytes you're uploading will materialize, and dig a little deeper.

Tessa Rumsey (tessa@wired.com)

Everybody Was Sumo Wrestlin'
The national sport of Japan has been Shockwaved! Thanks to Blip, now everyone can compete in virtual belly-to-belly combat without having to put on a few (hundred) extra pounds.

Here, you do battle with Computer Yokozuna. Pride demands that you demonstrate superior vigor, while the opportunity to become a global virtual sumo legend in the high-rankings table also motivates you. The dohyo, or ring, is a plank bridge upon which advances, retreats, attacks, and belly blocks must be carefully timed to demonstrate a winning technique (kimarite) by pushing your opponent out of the dohyowith your body (yori-kiri).

To begin your climb to virtual sumo greatness and otherwise defend humanity, throw some salt, stomp each foot in turn, and access this addictive wave. If you decide that you can't handle any more belly butting, the Blipcache also offers wacky Perambulator GP baby-carriage races, psychedelic Spir-O-Matic, traditional Chess, informative reports on Space Weather, and, believe it or not, Luddite Games.

Poetry of Word and Number
Words appear onscreen from the pixel ether. Formed from jumbled chaos, the page slowly materializes into the form of the Electro Magnetic Poetry site. With it, a path is forged into a world of the spontaneously and effortlessly poetic that caters to both verse enthusiasts and codehounds alike. Capture stanzas of naked consciousness in The Poetry Gallery, or, for those who revel in the logical poetry of code, explore a link to the site's Java source. A brew of sublime simplicity, Electro Magnetic is amusing, engaging, and sometimes evocatively reflective.

When Right Meets Left
At Out of Balance, the brainchild of graphic artist, computer scientist, and Web visionary Gerry Manacsa, the artist maxes the medium's bandwidth for self-expression. Marrying his right and left brain in one Web page, Manacsa gives surfers a peek into his creative process. A variety of posting boards scattered throughout the site's 20-odd sections encourage visitor feedback and input. Add your mark to the artist's graffiti wall - just download the JPEG file and email it back with your additions.

You can also check out the site's birthplace (Manacsa's studio) in all its 360 degree, panoramic beauty via a QuickTime VR rendering. Don't miss the collection of quotes, poems, and visitor thoughts in the What Is Love? section, either. Then move on to Manacsa's collection of personal homepages (Real People, Real Stories), which in turn point you to a slew of other freestylin' Web folks. With its fresh design and grassroots feel, Out of Balance is sure to delight even the most jaded surfer.

Excellent, Smithers, Excellent
Simpsons fans, welcome to paradise. The glorious low tech look of the Simpsons episode list belies the treasure contained therein. Script summaries are available for virtually every episode through early 1995 (when the site's creator was cruelly but temporarily cut off from syndication). It's not a comprehensive list, but true fans will simply have a cow. Most episodes include the editors' intricately annotated "Didja notice ..."section, plus reviews and detailed freeze-frame notes. There's even an occasional transcription of Lisa's opening-credits sax solos. Extensive voice credits reveal remarkable details - the huge white guy in the asylum with Homer, for example, really was Michael Jackson. Check out this site while it lasts.

I Am Good, I Am Wise, I Am Bill
Peek into The Secret Diary of Bill Gates and enjoy the view from the most powerful corner office in the world.

It's not really ChairmanBill's diary, of course. But mysterious ghostwriter "Bill G." has mastered a hilariously self-confident technotheology just dopey enough to rule the world. Daily entries flow seamlessly from gloating malevolence to girlish enthusiasm: "Saturday, February 8. Did I mention that AOL announced a $155 million loss for the quarter? C-ya, Steve! Did I mention the great new Barney the Dinosaur Microsoft licensing deal? Everyone loves Barney the Dinosaur! What a great week!"

A parodic masterpiece, Secret Diary does, however, bring to mind one chilling thought: Bill's real diary probably doesn't look that much different.

Desktop Serenade
"Jared doesn't seem to have the sense God gave a gnat to realize he can't sing worth a damn," says Colin Smith, cofounder of FreeVerse Software and brother of 28-year-old Jared Smith, the dissonant voice behind the singing shareware called "Jared: Butcher of Songs."After downloading the program, you too can listen to Jared as he vocally hacks his way through Spanish lyrics. There's something sickeningly hypnotic about this piece, described best by the liner notes: "Like an angry immigration officer, Jared's distinctive rendition grabs us, slaps us around, threatens to cavity-search us, and ultimately demands our passport be issued from that same circle of Hell from which his voice originates."Jared claims he picked up the tune while working at a Guatemalan orphanage. His brothers Colin and Ian blame the crude notes on a vocal ability akin to melodic dyslexia. "I think it's that combination of guilelessness and spectacular vocal failure that makes him so appealing," Colin says.

Thanks to the Wired 5.05 Surf Team
Michael Behar (michaelb@wiredmag.com)

Colin Berry (colin@wired.com)

Colin Lingle(colinl@starwave.com)

Hayley Nelson (hayleyn@cnet.com)

John Reul (johnreul@aol.com)