Net Surf
Beyond a Medical Degree: Sex Advice for the Brave and the Bashful
Dear Dr. Ruth,
My wife and I are in our 60s, and after reading about oral sex in your column, we decided to try it. It turned out great and we both enjoy it. There is one problem, however. When my wife gets very excited, she can get a bit aggressive with her teeth and I fear for my manhood. Do you think it wise for her to remove her dentures first, or would this spoil the pleasure for me, her, or both of us?
Where else but on the Web could you stumble upon such a gem of unabashedly unpretty senior citizen erotica? And who else but the diminutive Dr. Ruth Westheimer could coax out such a guileless question? Yup, the grandmother of sexuality is alive and well-wired on Sexnet (www.drruth.com/) - a meaty little site with lots to do, lots to learn, and lots to download. Start at the Sex Question of the Day, where you can participate in an ongoing survey and read the results of past questions. You'll find out, for instance, that while 60 percent of twentysomethings incorporate spanking into their sex play, only 34 percent of thirtysomethings do so, and only 25 percent of fortysomethings. You never know when you're going to need statistics like these.
More fun than foreplay is the Sex Tips area, where you can not only read the doctor's invaluable advice, but download little tidbits of audio and video. Watch again and again as the German sexpert (clad in blue blouse and pearls) warns, "Unsafe sex is a double whammy!" If you just can't get enough of that Teutonic accent, you can leap over to the Desktop Goodies section and download sound clips galore.
Imagine that supportive, maternal voice telling you "Brrravo!" every time you open an application! You can also adorn your desktop with a full array of wallpaper, icons, and cursors that neither Microsoft nor Apple is likely to supply anytime soon: reproductive organs, Kama Sutra - it's all here.
Another friendly countenance in the sex industry is porn star-turned-performance artist Annie Sprinkle. Dr. Ruth and Annie Sprinkle are possibly the only two individuals trafficking in human sexuality who bring a wholesome, G-rated feel to the whole nasty business. Annie, like Ruth, is on a mission to promulgate the pleasure principle. Her motto: "Let there be more pleasure on earth, and let it begin with me." Well, fasten your dental dams, 'cause a visit to Annie Sprinkle's Home Page (www.heck.com/annie/sprinkleshow.html) is one wild ride. Dip into Annie's Forty-One Uses for Sex list for a primer, or sample cards from her Post-Modern Pin-Ups (feminist erotic playing cards published by Gates of Heck). At other corners of Annie's site, you can learn the Yoni Massage Ritual (which involves casting circles, sex magic, internal massage - you get the picture), or learn how to have your very own "energy orgasm." (Even Dr. Ruth might not know about these.)
Those who've seen Annie's act know that she invites her audience to peer at her cervix through a speculum. But for those of us too embarrassed to join the line (or perhaps too hygienically concerned to risk standing that close to the other spectators), the Net provides the perfect, solitary opportunity to partake in this public cervix. Annie tells us: "Most people go through life having missed the chance to see one." And, with a click of the mouse, that's one life experience you can cross off your list.
Writer's Bloc
Pozõr (from the Czech word meaning "caution") is a Prague-based publication with both print and online versions. Aptly subtitled "News from Around the Bloc," it's a portentous endeavor that focuses on political and cultural events in Eastern Europe.
The graphics-conscious webzine allows you to browse through a list of past features or peruse current articles with humorously descriptive titles such as "Market Penetration" - a colorful yet informative piece about marketing condoms in a region of the world where prophylactics were either illegal or simply not discussed until the Iron Curtain imploded. A pulldown menu at the foot of the page directs you to a companion piece on PMPA, an AIDS drug discovered by Czech scientists. The "News Around the Bloc" tag links you to the Pozõr Manifesto, which boasts aphorisms and run-on sentences such as "Machiavelli advised his Prince, 'divide your enemies if you wish to prevail.' Splintering the masses ... Disseminating lies and misinforma-tion ... is the preferred method of The Machine." Unfortunately, two of Pozõr's best pieces in the print version have failed (thus far) to make it online: "Sweet Georgia on My Mind" chronicles the misadventures of a British journalist and an American photographer on a Georgia-to-Russia road trip that descends into a comedy of errors; and "Jackson and Stalin: Opiates of the People" addresses the theory that Joseph Stalin and Michael Jackson have parallel lives.
Bing-O-Rama
A little short on cash for this month's ISP bill? Consider trying your luck at the virtual bingo parlor. This sponsor-supported site is free for all comers, and, yes, it awards US currency for every "Bingo!" shouted across cyberspace. While most games produce payoffs of only $3, they can range up to $20, and there is no limit to the number of games or amount of money you can win. In fact, winning is only half the fun - fame can be yours, too, as The Bingo Zone honors leaders and winners in its Hall of Fame.
In the interest of accessibility, no fancy plug-ins are necessary here, just tried-and-true forms-capable browser technology. Sure, it's easy to get bingoing, but it's not so easy to stop. Who knows what perils await when high-impact Java and ecash round out the mix?
Microcosmic
With their interchangeable parts and a surprisingly intelligent comic-book tie-in, the Micronauts were one of the coolest lines of toys in the '70s. They're remembered at The Micronauts Homepage, a technically simple site of overwhelming depth. Featuring a complete guide to the collectibles, plot summaries of all the comics, and often obscure historical facts, it truly leaves no question unanswered. And if you regret dumping your Micronauts stuff years ago, the buy/sell area can help.
You Spin Me Right Round, Baby
If you're still wearing acid-washed denim and listening to Huey Lewis in your Camaro, then don't ... don't ... miss The '80s Server.
The site is sufficiently Shocked and offers plenty of hot spots such as the Video Vault. The RealAudio features, however, are totally rad: you can actually create your own personalized album of '80s hits (and when was the last time you really listened to "Another One Bites the Dust"?) and regress to your heart's content.
The high point of this delightful nightmare is undoubtedly Valley URL, which translates text from any other site into, like, omigod, real live Val-speak. If the '90s just aren't working for you, relax: you can finally go home again.
All Aboarrrrd!
In the US, "railway cuisine" conjures up visions of tepid mystery meat, frankfurters, chalky ham-and-cheese "sandwiches," and coffee that tastes like boiler sludge. But, in the land of the Bullet Train, things are different.
Japanese railway travelers have long been able to dig into ekiben, or boxed lunches, available in virtually every station on every line. These wonders of culinary efficiency might contain sushi, eggs, fish, or pickled vegetables, and each is wrapped in a colorful label unique to the vendor and stamped with the date and time of manufacture. There are hundreds of different ekiben throughout Japan, and now, finally, they have a home on the Web.
The Ekiben Station Lunch Box Museum organizes its massive lunch database by station stop and name (of the train line) - all in Japanese. Prices, and in some cases even photos of the lovely morsels themselves, are shown. The curator (Mars) and his 12 fellow travelers (the Eki-mama Explorers) regularly scour the country for the latest information on the boxed goodies. Now if only they would deliver ...
Why I Oughta ...
If you've had it up to here with high-profile "personalities," roll up your sleeves and elbow your way into the Celebrity Slugfest from Kaizen Works.
This pugilistic Shockwave game pits your mitts against a pantheon of American glamour-pusses. Just pick your least favorite celeb (conveniently categorized as "Bullies," "Meanies," and "Wusses") and start bobbin' and weavin'. You can take your best shot at such icons as Ted Kennedy (meany), a bloody-gloved O. J. (bully), and Fabio (definitely a wuss). And don't show any mercy when your opponent gets a black eye or a fat lip, 'cause WHAMMO! That's just the opening they're looking for.
This site deserves a nod if for no other reason than that we can all finally, finally give Chairman Bill a richly deserved - and perfectly legal - sock in the nose.
Thanks to the Wired 5.04 Surf Team
Bob Gourley (rsgour@aol.com)
Rita M. Johnson (zymyatin@earthlink.net)
Colin Lingle(colinl@starwave.com)
John Reul (johnreul@aol.com)
David Voss (dvoss@aaas.org)
