Infomercials are the vulgar vanguard of the cable TV explosion, low-tech to the extreme, and just barely getting the hang of interactivity. No one will admit to using them, but they manage to rake in more than a billion dollars a year in sales.
After a one-week trek through the infodome, here's a roundup of the most alarming of the bunch:
Growing in Love
Star quality: The Giffords, Kathie Lee and Frank.
What's being pitched: Videotapes of "Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships"seminar by Gary Smalley.
Most alarming scene: Smalley, demonstrating how to "hold, hear, and give your heart" to someone, holds up an inflatable hand, ear, and heart.
Best line: Smalley, on sexual desire: "Men are like a microwave; women are like a Crock-Pot."
(Huge applause.)
Stretching the genre: Talmudic discussion format, with Smalley as benevolent rabbi, surrounded by inquisitive, pastel-sweatered supplicants.
Want it anyway? US$3.95 for the first tape, then $28.90 each monthly tape. (800) 848 8900.
Passion, Profit, & Power
Star quality: Host Marshall Sylver. He's a star. No, really - just ask him.
What's being pitched: Self-hypnosis videotape and audio cassettes to help tap human potential through "subconscious reprogramming."
Most alarming scene: Sylver snaps his fingers and the entire audience slumps over, one after the other, head to shoulder, in a deep hypnotic trance.
Best line: A believer confides she initially thought Sylver was a "phony" and a "fraud" until she got hooked; now she's "got a corporate America job!"
Stretching the genre: Creepy synergy of info-schlock with Pentecostalism (e.g. fire eating, glass walking); jaunty calypso music; shocking candor (Sylver: "If you're watching this infomercial, you're probably not where you want to be").
Want it anyway? US$99.80 for six audio cassettes, workbook, one-year subscription to monthly newsletter, video, and a weight loss or hypnosis training kit. (800) 634 7400.
T-Touch
Star quality: Jane Fonda.
What's being pitched: Tapes on techniques for taming unruly pets, known as the "T Touch."
Most alarming scene(s): The entire program leaves you feeling you have witnessed an elaborate inside joke - on you. Animals shriek, bite, and jolt hysterically under high-end porno film lighting, as Cat Stevens-like melodies grind away.
Best line: In a segment on "aloofness," a hysterical tabby bolts from its visibly peeved owner, who laments that her animal "refuses to be a LAP CAT!"
Stretching the genre: It doesn't.
Want it anyway? US$45.90 for videotape and taming tip book. (800) 797 7387.
Tony Little's Ab Isolator
Star quality: Tony Little. (See Marshall Sylver.)
What's being pitched: Ab Isolator, which looks like a bungee cord, red and stretchy, for home exercise.
Most alarming scene(s): Little punches and rubs his fists together accusingly and relentlessly, whenever anyone else talks. (He hates that.)
Best line(s): Little's epic blond ponytail speaks volumes. It's matched pitch-for-pitch by his AK-47-fast sales schtick. Hold on tight during this one.
Stretching the genre: If you like Monster Truck derbies, you'll love this one. Note Little's guests "abbing" away on stage during the spot - like Soul Train for white people.
Want it anyway? US$35.90. (800) 636 9933.
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A Week at the Infodome
