No longer satisfied with total domination of the software market, Microsoft has unveiled a new set of nonnegotiable standards for wetware operating systems. The major elements of Mr. Gates's decree, sent to us via anonymous e-mail, are listed below, and (pending further notice) apply only to employees of Microsoft, Inc. (And by the way, if you are a Microsoft employee, why are you reading this on company time? Put down the damn magazine and get back to work )
1. Stop overnurturing. If you routinely take on other people's problems and responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to nurture yourself.
Microsoft view: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE responsible for it all. Perhaps you haven't thoroughly read your job description.
2. Reassess your values. Try to sort out meaningful values from those temporary and fleeting; the essential from the nonessential. You'll conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered.
Microsoft view: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the company meeting. Until then, if people call and question your priorities, tell them you're unable to comment and give them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be taken care of.
3. Learn to pace yourself.
Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy. Ascertain what you want and need in your life, then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.
Microsoft view: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland Marketing Team. Don't be a fool. The only thing that matters is work and productivity.
4. Take care of your body.
Don't skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break appointments with doctors. Take care of nutritional needs.
Microsoft view: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew. (It's free.)
5. Diminish worry, anxiety.
Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimum - it changes nothing. You'll have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real needs.
Microsoft view: If you're not worrying about work, you must not be very committed to it. We'll find someone who is.
6. Keep your sense of humor.
Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people suffer burnout when they're having fun.
Microsoft view: So, you think your work is funny? We'll discuss this with your manager Friday. At 7PM.
ELECTRIC WORD
Microsoft Burnout Prevention And The Way of Comics
